Thursday, July 17, 2008

Without Details We Wouldn't Have The Ever Beautiful Grotesque

When nature called, or yelled as it did after chili cheese dogs, the routine began by grabbing the machete, wielding it around unruly like, stuffing a roll of toilet paper under the arm and strutting off into the woods with a curious grin.

The machete was a duel or truel use item. Not only did it provide an air of manliness to our journey it made us look bad ass in front of beach infringers. The machete made quick work of breaking down wood for the fire and most importantly it was a marvelous poop shovel.

As the night was winding down, and the chili had time to corrupt my innards, I found myself headed straight for the machete which was lodged in a stump of drift wood on the beach like Excalibur.

Because of the cool that the ferns and trees provided far up and off the bank of the beach, I thought it would be a perfect place to make compost.

It’s an odd moment there, squatted over a hand dug hole, looking down pondering such deep philosophical equations as; “I should have dug a hole #1 and a hole #2”, before you realize mosquitoes are going to town on your balls and ass.

The natural reaction would be to shoo them away with a swatting hand, but no, the risk is way too high that your hand’ll catch the drizzle over an undug hole #1 or even worse you’ll miss and squash a nugget against a cheek, this is no good. In such situations survival experts and natives alike recommend a good dousing of OFF pre-poop excursion which allows for an unobstructed hands free evacuation zone.

Can I get a: "God Damn?!"

When your planning a canoe trip, monk fish steamed in buttered corn husks or scallops with a tangerine saffron burre blanc most likely won't make the menu for the third night or later. The later into the trip the lower the quality gets. Well, at least in theory.

I don't care if your Thomas Keller, Daniel or the late great Julia Child, chili cheese dogs and burgers RULE! If you haven't had one, I promise you'll love them and if you don't - you should be shot - along with vegans. It's American heritage, like tacos are Mexican, chili, burgers and dogs are American. They are so revered in this country they enter into the realm of lore. When America cooks out what do they eat? They eat Hot Dogs and Hamburgers; preferably with chili and cheese.

Thank California for this. Nowhere does chili come standard on a burger or dog other than California and more specifically Los Angeles. Thank you Tommy's Burgers, thank you Fat Burger, thank you Gerry's Orange O.

On the river, when clouds are stacking, darkening and wind is flirting with the underside of trees and rain flies......short prep meals takes on a significant value.

So when planning the last night's meal of the trip and you want calories after a long day of paddling, easy prep, or flavor that makes you sink into your tired self and moan, consider chili cheese dogs.

Chopped onion, grated mild cheddar, a heap of chili, a sliver of French's yellow over a Nathan's hot dog, on a campfire-stone toasted bun; can I get a God Damn!?!?!???